The Hollywood Reporter has a new article talking about how Dan Bradley (who?) will direct a remake of the 1984 flick Red Dawn. Carl Ellsworth has been hired to recraft the ultimate homeland invasion story about a new generation of besieged high schoolers. This is all fine, but who really cares when a doozy of a side note is found in the third graph?
MGM toppers Harry Sloan and Mary Parent announced the [Red Dawn] remake — along with a big-budget rebuild of “RoboCop,” which director Darren Aronofsky among others has recently been in to discuss — in May at the Festival de Cannes.
Allow me to put on prognostication-enabling headgear, and tell you what these two movies will be about…
Red Dawn 2 will clearly be about a terrorist cell in rural America taking over the town as part of its preliminary strategy to pollute some major water supply with uranium dust or blow up the Hoover Dam or something (the plot will likely be pulled straight out of one of Bruce’s Movie Plot Threat contests). Scrappy high school kids will escape the roundup and take out the terrorists. It will likely be racist, definitely be simplistic, and undoubtedly be bad… because they’ll throw in Mission: Impossible or Die Hard 4 style digital editing with big explosions to turn the kids into nearly-impossible-to-kill violators of the laws of probability.
Robocop Redeux will be the first movie, except with Christian Bale as Robocop and Ian McKellan as Dick Jones. McKellan will die during the shooting of the film and everyone will go see it and claim his performance is Oscar-worthy, when it probably won’t even be as good as his take of Gandalf. It will make jillions at the box office and the fans of the original movie will all complain bitterly that the original had more pathos.
Here endeth the predictions.
[edited to add] One more prediction.
Found this today, which claims the new Captain America movie will be centered on WWII as the character’s origin. This is excellent news for fans of the Captain, as there is simply no way (in my opinion) that one can create a contemporary Cap. The character himself is archaic, that’s part of the reason why the character is so great; he represents the clash between the Greatest Generation and all that follows. Assuming they’re not complete and utter morons about making this movie, it ought to be two hours of grand fun. Now that Indy has moved on to fighting the Cold War, we’ve gone a couple of years without a movie with Nazis in it. For sheer mindless action fun, you can’t beat the Nazis as the bad guys.