Bad Management, 101   Leave a comment

From Dumb Little Man:

  • Assign enough projects with tight deadlines so that your team has no choice but to work a 60 hour week while you only work 30 hours
  • Cap overtime pay.
  • Do not offer project pay.
  • Constantly underestimate the time it takes to get things done and then penalize employees’ bonuses because they didn’t hit the goal.
  • Talk more than you listen.
  • Tell the team to begin planning for tons of deployments but never obtain the budget to actually implement any of them.
  • Don’t trust written time cards. Make employees email you when they get to the office so you can see a timestamp when they get in.
  • Avoid looking people in the eye.
  • Reprimand employees in front of the entire team.
  • Hire someone that is very weak to take the place of a veteran and expect the same results from the team.
  • Reprimand Mark but don’t reprimand Tony when he makes the same error.
  • Consistency is good. Never ask you employees if they are challenged enough or want to take on more responsibility.
  • Make promises to internal customers but have no idea on the elements involved in getting the task done.
  • You know that Tony is a slacker, but he is really cool to hang out with so keep him around and give him good reviews.
  • Give your employees 2nd tier systems to work with but expect top tier results.
  • Never cross train anybody on anything. The skills they walked in with are the skills they are leaving with.
  • Mandate a new policy without consulting a single person that will have to live with it.
  • Give employees low raises because the more you save, the higher your bonus.
  • When talking to an employee on the phone, type away at your email. That’s a great time to catch-up!
  • When someone comes to you with an issue regarding another employee, use a lot of big words to explain the situation but really take no interest or action.
  • Create a desk cleanliness policy.
  • When Suzy comes in late and leaves early, and we complain, do nothing about it.
  • Mandate that the entire team use a single to-do list application simply because you think it’s best.
  • Make your best employees train the newbies for weeks at a time but insist that all deadlines be met.
  • Never answer your cell phone.
  • Never be the on-call guy to share in the team burden.
  • Have a group of employees that you get a long with and go out to lunch with while those that you don’t like get left out.
  • Send employees lots of chain letters, poems and other crap spam when they are hard at work.
  • Refuse to upgrade a system after the entire team asks for it and then be sure not to give a valid reason.
  • Blame everything on your boss because no one will ever call you on it.
  • Make all men wear ties.
  • Do not let employees expense cell phone use but require a cell phone number for the on-call guy.
  • Shut off access to Google and Ebay because it’s not “required for work”.
  • Never let employees hangout and use the corp. network to play games after hours.
  • Tell employees to do plan B because you will save $11 even though plan A is the safer, more efficient way to go.
  • I don’t care what they are working on. No one should get a monitor larger than yours
  • Insist employees come to your wife’s silly Barbecue.
  • Give advice on topics you are only partially educated in.
  • When the kudos are handed out, you should take the credit because you managed the team. Do not give credit to anyone else.
  • Monitor all phone use.
  • Charge someone .25 days off for a dentist appointment.
  • Lecture the team at least weekly.
  • Hold team meetings to provide updates even though the updates only pertain to one-third of team.
  • Buy the team lunch and always forget that Vegan in the corner…he’ll come around.
  • Make the team fill out self evaluations but provide very vague feedback on what they type.
  • Sleep with that girl Suzy on the team. No one will suspect she’s getting preferential treatment.
  • Call the redhead guy on the team Rusty. Everyone will laugh and you are sure to win their hearts.
  • Make sure the cubicles are as close to each other as physically possible. The open areas surrounding the group will be used eventually.
  • Make the entire team read a book and then set aside 3 hours to discuss it. This is sure to increase productivity.
  • Let a couple people work from the house, but provide no reason for it or ways for others to obtain the right.
  • Insist that employees complete projects that even you admit are worthless.

I actually disagree with a couple of these in certain circumstances, but the list on the whole is pretty good at being bad (and it’s certainly entertaining).

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Posted April 24, 2007 by padraic2112 in management

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